Power

Power

A few nights ago #LatinLover and I were laying in bed talking about parenthood. I made a comment about the difference between our boy and our girl and how I'm quickly learning the difference between raising them, relating to them and teaching them. #LatinLover seemed surprised that I had such different explanations for each. We talked about it for awhile, then fell asleep. The next day, Josh Duggar and his Ashley Madison Account appeared in the news and the whole world was given yet another glimpse of one family's trials, and pain and mistakes. I don't care about the Duggar family, really. I don't care that they're famous or that they struggle. I'm not a fan of TLC or reality television in general and I think my own life has enough excitement, drama and challenge to fill my 

cup.

What I am supportive are, are voices. Strong voices. Voices that stand up to oppression and cruelty and injustice. Voices that, within their own culture or religion, go against a stigma or belief or cultural expectation. Voices that often stay quiet for years, feeling repressed, and then finally find the courage to break out and cause waves because waves are what it's going to take to bring change. I support voices that when all else are quiet, stand on a street corner with signs, whether quiet or boisterous, showing the world that their cause is important and deserving of attention. I support this man that stood alone on a city street corner in St. Louis, MO holding a sign reading "Stand up for Jamyla Bolden" last week, after she was shot and killed by a drive-by through a bedroom window while doing her homework on her mother's bed. When much of the "Black Lives Matter" movement was protesting the police shooting of 18 yr old Mansur Ball-Bey, Shawn Williams, a stranger to the Bolden family, was more concerned about the unjust murder of a 9yr girl. This is a man I respect. This is a man whose voice spoke louder than anyone else's that day.

As parents, we fight daily to protect our kids. Usually our protection is superficial. We make sure they're careful when crossing the street, playing with friends, and using scissors. We try to raise them to be polite, respectful, careful of strangers and obedient. But as I mentioned, I'm quickly learning the difference in raising my 6 yr old girl and raising my 4yr old boy.

Being a young white female in a society that, by nature, allows me privilege, I've never really suffered oppression or needed to fight towards personal injustices. But as I came into adult hood I started to see more and more the results of parents who never taught their daughters the value of voice. It's not plastered on the news often, but you hear about it. You see cultures built around chauvinism and control. You hear about women whose partners are overbearing and overprotective, or even worse, but just as common, abusive, emotionally and physically. Both equally and permanently damaging.

My son must learn to be respectful. To obey his parents, teachers and authority figures. He must learn to be polite to women and how to be a strong communicator. He must learn to work hard for his success. He must learn to be sensitive and at the same time, confident. He must learn to stand up for the underdog and encourage his fellow man in the face of pain and defeat. He must learn many things. Many of which will come easier than others because he's being raised in a society that favors his success, his power, his strength, his race and above all, his gender.

My daughter is different. Although my daughter must also learn to be obedient and respectful and polite, her lessons will be unique. My daughter is being raised in a society that although has come a long way in the past 50 years, still views and treats her as a minority.

In the face of the Duggars and their not so special lifestyle choices unfortunately being deemed news worthy, it's brought to my attention even more than usual that I must teach my daughter to find and confidently use her voice. She will learn how to fight for what's important and just. She will learn to stand up for herself and speak loudly when she's being treated unfairly. She will learn to search for a partner that respects her, treats her equally and loves her unconditionally. She will learn the worth and value of a promise, a vow. She will learn about commitment and how to find stamina when that commitment is being challenge and tried.

However, what she will also learn is what to do when, and if, enough is enough. Although forgiveness and grace are two of the most vital attributes to a healthy, intimate relationship, my daughter will be a woman that, when forgiveness and grace aren't enough for her, can confidently walk away. Not as a failure but as a person who knows her worth.

I can't protect her from bad decisions. She will make them. She will hurt and often, I won't be able to keep her heart from inevitable disappointment and pain. But my hope is that I will be proud of her decisions when she looks into the face of a betrayal and confidently proclaims -

"No, I will not continue to stand here and be expected to suck it up and continue forward with someone that shows no signs of changing!"

I hope and pray she never has a need for that statement. I pray that she finds someone who fits perfectly to her and compliments her personality completely. I hope that she finds someone who has also been taught the importance and worth of vows and promises.

But realistically, I know that shit happens. People change. People make mistakes both in their life choices and their partner choices.

My daughter will be empowered. My daughter will be strong. My daughter will be boisterous in the midst of a community and faith and legal system that tells her that her opinion, her needs and her pain is less important because of the chromosomes she was born with. 

Bedtime with Monsters

Bedtime with Monsters

There are nights where you think you might not be able to take much more. There are days that seem to go on endlessly. You feel like if you have to answer one more question, break up one more fight, discipline one more time, you might actually lose it. You take deep breaths because at this point, that's all you have. And as much of a help your partner offers to be, they don't want him. They want you. Incessantly. You walk into the room for what you swear is the "last time" only to be repeating the same process 3 minutes later. It's a battle that you're not always on the losing end of. It's a battle that often ends in victory, with smiles and hugs and obedience. But today, tonight, it's the other kind of battle. It's the one that leaves you fighting back tears because you know, even if they see you crying, it won't make a difference. Unlike older humans, they won't suddenly feel guilted into making better choices, or staying quiet and out of your way. Your tears serve no purpose in this home tonight, other than to bring you a little relief, if you can find it. No. Tonight is a night that contains yelling and threats. It's a night that brings on an ugly side to your usually calm, laid back demeanor. You fight back the urge to curse at them because you know it won't do any good. And it's a shame you're better judgment keeps your tongue in check because a strongly placed "f" bomb would really feel good right about now.

It's one that followed a long day of whining and fighting and complaining and never finding satisfaction. A day where you count down the minutes until bed time but deep down you know that bed time is when it all gets worse. Bedtime is when the monsters show up. They climb out from the dark closets and from under the toy cluttered beds. They stealthily creep up to your little ones and, little by little, seep into their bodies through their ears and finger tips and toes. You reason that those night time invaders have possessed your children because there's no other excuse for the imposters that now occupy those soft, comfortable sheets. You cross your fingers and pray that their long day will catch up to them quickly. That they'll realize "hey, I'm exhausted. It's time to shut up and rest." But your wishful thinking gets lost in the noise. What should be your time to relax and enjoy a few moments of quiet before drifting off into what you hope is a uneventful night is ruined by crying and excuses and your own screaming.

The monsters have taken over, like every night, but tonight it's really bad. Tonight leaves you ashamed and hurting, both physically and emotionally.

You get to a point where you can change out of your clothes and sit in bed but you find it hard to move. You've spent so much energy trying to rationalize with them that there's not much left for yourself. This night leaves you hoping your partner will console you but both of you find that there's really no solace. Kids are kids, and sometimes they're bad. That's life. Which only makes sense. That's the job, right? That's what you signed up for, knowingly or not.

But sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes bedtime leaves you wondering what would happen if you just hopped on a plane alone and got away for awhile. You could slip out after they're all asleep with nothing but your keys and purse. Fly away to some secluded island, lay on a beach where there's no one yelling for you or crying for some totally unnecessary reason. Just you and silence.

I tell myself I'll do that someday. But not tonight. No, there's not enough caffeine in the world to get me up off of this mattress to begin my escape. Maybe tomorrow night I'll follow through on my secret plan. But please, don't tell the monsters. They are most definitely not invited.

Grocery, Budget and All Things Food Related Part 3

Meals:

If it were up to me we'd eat a lot more meatless dinners. But I'm married to a man who demands meat in his meals. So we keep it simple with chicken, ground beef, kielbasa and occasional steak. Below is a list of dinners that are common at our house.

Chicken Tacos - Chicken is slow cooked all day with bottle of salsa
Stir fry with chicken or steak, peppers and onions
Cheesy spaghetti with chicken or beef
Chicken Alfredo with home made sauce  (butter, garlic salt, flour, milk, parm cheese)
BBQ chicken sandwiches - Chicken is slow cooked all day with onions and enough bbq sauce to cover it.
Lentil burritos - grilled on the George Forman http://www.pinterest.com/pin/267964246549468471/
Sausage over rice with a tomato cream sauce.
Sweet and sour chicken over rice http://madeitateitlovedit.blogspot.com/2012/03/sweet-and-sour-chicken.html
Chicken Chili http://rita-may-recipes.blogspot.com/2011/11/crock-pot-cream-cheese-chicken-chile.html

I'll keep adding more as I think of them but these are a good place to start.

Grocery, Budget and All Things Food Related Part 2

As I mentioned in Part 1 we do all of our grocery shopping at Aldi's. I switched to Aldi's 2 years ago and have been loving it ever since. I love it for 2 main reasons. One, it's cheap. I can get all my groceries for a fraction of what I used to spend at Shop n Save. Two, at the majority of larger chain stores there are so many options, different brands are competing to give you the best quality for the lowest price. This is why instead of one or two bags of potato chips, you'll find whole isles dedicated to the exact same item. At Aldi's there is typically one choice for each thing. There are no price cuts, or figuring out which item is giving you more food for your dollar. You either buy Aldi's brand or you go without. I like not having the choice b/c when given the choice I typically will pay a little more b/c I think I'm getting something tastier or higher quality...even if I'm not.

Anywho...

We are a family of 4 + 2 dogs. 2 adults, a 5 and 3 year old. I budget $120 every 2 weeks ($240/month) for groceries. This does not include, paper goods or dog food. I do all my shopping, minus dog food, at Aldi's.

As promised, here is a list of what I buy at Aldi's every 2 weeks. I don't run to the store in between my grocery trips unless I really have to. If I run out of something, we just do without it until the 2 weeks is over and it's time to go grocery shopping again. (unless it's milk) I also get my eggs delivered farm fresh from a friend. I pay more for them, $3/dozen, but it's worth it for the quality of egg.

This is a list of all the things I typically have in my fridge/pantry not necessarily what I buy ever trip. Obviously, I don't buy pretzels every 2 weeks if we still have half of a container left. It doesn't include condiments which I also do buy at Aldi's.

I'll start the list at the beginning of the store b/c that's the way I see it in mind...

Snacks

-2 bags of potato chips

-1 container of pretzels

-1 box of crackers (comparable to ritz)

-2 bags of turkey jerky sticks

-1 bag of almonds

-1 jar of salted peanuts (hubs won't eat the unsalted kind)

-1 jar of unsalted peanuts

-2 bags of craisins

-a bag of flour, sugar, yeast, and any other standard baking items

-a large jar of peanut butter

-a jar of jelly

-a container of steel cut oats

Dairy

-1 gallon of cow's milk

-1 carton of almond milk (we drink a lot of smoothies)

-half n half

-real butter

-4 bags/blocks of cheese

-Cottage Cheese

-large container of Greek or vanilla yogurt

-10 count string cheese

Other staple items

-coffee and filters

-12 pack Coca Cola

-bags of rice, beans, and other raw grains (never canned)

-2 bags of small tortillas (20 count each)

-small and large zip locks 50-100 count

Produce (I always buy what's seasonal/on sale) 

It's rough because I love avocados but if I know that I'm getting close to my $120 limit, I will go without for awhile.

-bananas are super cheap at Aldi's and I usually buy 2-4 bunches at a time. 

-bag of oranges

-bag of apples

-bag of lettuce

-onions

-potatoes

-tomatoes

-When it's on sale - whole pineapple, grapes, berries, peaches, watermelon, avocados, green beans, broccoli

-On the off season I'll buy bags of frozen berries

Meat

1-2 lb of ground beef

1 bag of chicken tenderloin

1 polish kielbasa

bag of pepperoni

Things I never buy:

-juice

-fruit drinks

-fruit snacks

-cookies

-snacks like gold fish, fruit flavored yogurt or yogurt pops, cheese its, etc

-pre-prepared food (except the occasional frozen pizza)

-candy

-granola/fruit bars

-trail mix

Here's the thing, you might read that list and think "wow, how does she get away with not buying snacks for her kids?! My kids eat all day long." My kids eat all day long too. I just limit them to what I buy. Thankfully I got into this routine and grocery list while my kids were still super tiny and so they never knew any different. It's also a challenge b/c I married a junk food addict and therefor I know that if I don't leave him at home, I can kiss my budget and grocery list good bye. I also never take my kids to the store which often means going after they're in bed or early on a Saturday morning. 

I do other things like use cloth napkins, although we do use paper towels. I cloth diapered when my kids were young. I clean with vinegar instead of expensive cleaning solutions. We've come along way in the past two years of being on an adjusted budget. It was a challenge at first. But I love that we make things work on so little. I'm happier with my purchases and it's always rewarding when I see that I've not only stuck to my budget but at times stayed under budget!

In the next post I'll talk about typical meals we eat on a limited budget. 

Groceries, Budget and all things Food Related - Part 1

While recently commenting on a FB feed about grocery shopping/budgeting, I thought I'd put our info out there in case it might be helpful for you...

2 years ago Carlos quit his job and started a full time PhD program and I started teaching Spanish 10 hours a week and added to my already existing work for my dad's multi-media company to round out to 14 hours a week. My busier schedule was great but having to go from a 2 income family to suddenly 1, was rough. Not only were we now without my husbands decent salary for the first time in 8 years, but my income has always been (and still is) drastically lower than what he was bringing home. 

This left us with having to figure out a budget, which we had never done before. It was tiring and exhausting and was all in the hopes that we could find a way to make life work without me going to back to work full time with a 2 and 3 year old and home. The first thing we did was switch to a cash budget. All of our bills went to automatic payment through our checking account, but our gas, groceries and "fun" money was spent in cash each month. I withdrew the amount I needed at the beginning of the month and 95% of the time only spent the cash I had allotted myself each month. There were of course, exceptions to this. Examples would be something that our fun money didn't allow us to get or if something broke and needed to be replaced, car repairs, etc. But for the most part I've worked very hard to find the best value for my $. 

We are a family of 4. 2 adults, a 5 and 3 year old. I budget $120 every 2 weeks ($240/month) for groceries. This does not include, paper goods, cleaning supplies or dog food. I do all my shopping, minus dog food at Aldi.

We had done most of our grocery shopping at Shop n Save prior to this change b/c it was the closest grocer to our home. We switched to Aldi's right around the time we switched to cash and I've never looked back. At first it took me awhile to get used to. I had to change certain things like, only buying seasonal produce or staying away from canned food and trying to buy more fresh. We're not a picky meat eating family. We eat a lot of chicken, and ground meats which is easy at Aldi's. I've heard complaints from people about the meat at Aldi's and I guess it all depends on what kind you like. Meat is like everything else in life. You get what you pay for. If you enjoy high quality cut meat, then Aldi's may not be your best vendor choice. 

Aldi's produce is good if you buy seasonally. My cart always has bananas, oranges and apples. Beyond that, it's whatever is on sale. I used to plan my meals out and then buy whatever was in the recipe. Shopping seasonally means I don't meal plan in advance anymore. I buy what's cheaper and cook with it. I love to cook and therefor don't mind finding new recipes to try out if I happen to buy lots of something that we don't often eat. (Pinterest and I are besties)

On buying snacks, I try to avoid it. I always buy 2 bags of chips and a 12 pack of soda, but that's for Carlos's school lunches. When I first started shopping at Aldi's he would complain about how the chips weren't as good. He eventually got used to it and doesn't mind anymore. Like I said, it was an adjustment for everyone ;) I do always buy crackers (comparable to Ritz) and a box of honey wheat pretzels (which at Aldi's are huge boxes) and typically I'll buy string cheese. Otherwise, my kids snack on fruit, home made popsicles (yogurt, juice, fruit combo), home made granola bars, or other baked goods. I also don't ever buy juice or fruit drinks. We are a water/milk family. My kids don't need the crazy amount of sugar that juices and fruit drinks contain. If they're thirsty, they know where to find their water bottle in the fridge. All this to say that if my children are ever in your home be prepared for them to think your box of cheeze-its and jug of orange juice are the most amazing things ever b/c they don't ever get that kind of thing at home! My three year old has been known to help him self repeatedly to the neighbors stash of gold fish without asking. (I know, my poor deprived children....wah wah wah.) 

In the next post I'll talk more about meals/grocery list specifically. I try to cook at least 4-5 nights a week. We eat left overs on the weekends and budget for eating out at least 1-2 times a weekend. We never eat out during the week though b/c we'd rather be home together. Our kids are still too young to have after school/social activities that would take us out of the house in the late afternoon/evening hours. 

Finally, I don't coupon. I tried it once and found that I just didn't have the time. I know a lot of people that do, and more power to you. It's just not for me. The other thing about couponing is that it tends to apply to things that I wouldn't buy anyways like Gatorade, fruit snacks/bars or things that I often make from scratch like spaghetti sauce and yogurt. Again, nothing against couponing, it's just not for me.

Up next my typical grocery bill and standard meals throughout the week.

Garden 2014

Someone asked me the other day if I had started my vegetable garden yet. It dawned on me that I had taken photos of its progress thus far and hadn't posted it\\them.
I have done quite a bit better this spring in planning out the garden. Last year I thought I had done a good job, but things grew, and grew, and grew and  became over crowded. Here's to hoping it won't be such a problem this year.

Vine Peas

 Green Onions

 Sunflowers

 Carrots

 Chive Bunches and Romain Sprouts

Blackberry and Rasberry Bushes

 Potato Towers

Strawberry Patch

These are seedlings that I started in pots and will eventually be transferred to bigger pots or the ground. Included are tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, onions, sunflowers, wild flowers, broccoli, carrots and cilantro. 

Oregano

One of Two Apple Trees

When It Rains...

On Saturday the electricity in our garage that Carlos uses to connect the leaf blower decided to quit working. He looked around, reset all the fuses in our  house but nothing has helped. This was a bummer b/c not only does he have no electricity in the garage, he also doesn't know how to fix it himself.
On Monday after finishing up the first of the four classes that I teach out in West County, about a half hour drive from my home, I walked out to my car to find it dead. We jumped it, or tried to, but that didn't work. B/c we've *read "husband"* lazily ignored my months long suggestions of signing up for AAA I had to call a tow truck, have it and me delivered to the dealer. I was told it was going to cost an outrageous amount to replace the battery, and oh yea, there are two recalls on it, and it needs a new starter. So I was given a free rental (silver lining) and left in time to make it to my final class of the day.
Tuesday I went downstairs to do some laundry only to find the washer was not working. Carlos figured out that the circuit that the problem with the electricity in the garage had effected the line that the washer is hooked up to. Awesome. So until that problem is fixed, I have no washer unless I want to run an extension cord all the way upstairs and down the hall to a grounded outlet.
So today, when I realized that 2/4 of us were out of clean undies and socks I washed the necessities in the bathroom sink. I went back downstairs to stick the wet clothes in the dryer only to find that although working, it's not heating, due to what's probably a broken coil.

So, we have a broken car, no electric in the garage, no washer, and no dryer.
To be fair we should have seen it coming. I mean, it's been ages since any of our technology has broken down. We were due for some unfortunate financial commitments.

It's been a rough week in the Castaneda home...