First Day of School

Tomorrow is the first day that my kids will be away from me, with people that aren't regular babysitters or family members. We've been talking a lot lately about me working more and in order to do that, childcare is a must. We weighed our options, daycare, parents day out programs, in home sitters. I visited multiple facilities to find the best one for us. I finally found one that I think will be a great fit. B is pumped about her first day of school. Granted this is a parents day out program and it's one day a week from 9-3. But that's a long day for either of them to be away from me with what will be initially, a whole lot of strangers. Thankfully, I have one child that loves to socialize. B loves kids, adults, new places, new toys, etc. R on the other hand is a mess. He'll scream nonstop for 1.5 hours in the nursery at church. (This is one of the reasons that we haven't been to church in weeks. No, make that months.) I'm nervous. I'm suffering from anxiety. I chose this place because it's the right price, it's located close to our home, the class sizes are tiny and it's part of church so they do bible lessons and activities rooted in principles that are healthy and important for their little minds. It's perfect. Hopefully my kids will think so too. I've already called the director this evening asking last minute questions. Stupid questions, but my babies are starting school tomorrow and it's breaking my heart. Do they have to be in childcare? No. But at some point I may start working a lot more and if and when that point arrives I need to know that my kids can handle being separated from me for longer than a few hours with a babysitter. First World Problems?....I think so

On a much happier note:

Oh crafts!

A few months ago someone sent me an invite to a little website called Pinterest. I registered, looked around for about 10 min. and then decided that I would find time to play later. My account went un-visited for months. Until last week that is. For some random reason I decided to give it another shot and see what all the fuss was about. If you're not already a user, run, don't look back and try to forget you ever heard about this site. Because honestly, once you start, you can't stop. This is fine of course if you have self control and/or nothing else going on in your life. I however don't have time for this site, and somehow am always on it. You'll find me in about 10 years, single, with all parental rites stripped away. I'll have a written a memoir about how Pinterest ruined my life, cost me my marriage and my relationship with my children...It's that bad, folks.

But seriously, I can't stop creating. And I love it.

I recently finished/made this:

And this:

And this:

And those are just the finished products. I cut the legs off of an extra end piece of a spare crib we had to make a craft storage board in the basment. I'm in the process of finishing some other things too. And once those are done, I already have three or four more things in mind to start on.

It's amazing how great it feels to decorate your home with things that you created that don't look horrible. And it's all thanks to the ideas of others. I mean seriously! Who would have thought to use buttons to spell things on a canvas, or to paint over rubber bands stretched around a vase. There are some super clever people out there. Unfortunately I'm not one of them. But I do get to freely copy and take credit for duplicating said cleverness. Thanks Pinterest, for making me feel like the artist I'll never truly be! I owe you one.

Homeschooling

At a recent play date with some of my most favorite mommy friends, the subject of kindergarten came up. Apparently, and to my shocking astonishment, two of my friends were seriously talking about homeschooling. One friend who wasn't able to join us that day is also apparently seriously considering it. I sat and listened as the two discussed their why's behind picking home school over public/private. Obviously, private school is expensive for one kid, let alone multiples. But when these families live in great school districts and have always talked about public schools, it was so interesting to suddenly see how the tides have turned. They continued on for awhile about ideas they had for taking turns with each other kids for the early ed. years, activities they might try, etc. After about 10 minutes I piped in and said something along the lines of "I'm sorry but I don't think I could ever home school my kids." And to that, friend 1 responded "Do not apologize for not wanting to home school your kids. Every kid is different as is every mom." (I'm paraphrasing, but you get the picture.) But it got me thinking about perceptions. We've pretty much always said that if we are living in a good school district, Lord willing, our kids will go to public. There's really never been any doubt about it. I went to private, and I loved it and I totally appreciate it. C did both, private for grade school, public for high school. So we know the positives/negatives to both options.  But as I sat there listening to their excitement over the thought of spending every day for the next 18-20 years in the house with their kids, yikes, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Am I a bad mom for not wanting this? Does this mean they love their kids more than I love mine because the idea of being the main provider of educational and social activities excites them?
Relax, I'm not still stressing out about these things. The truth is, I do love my kids. I'm a good mom and I adore my children. I want them to have an amazing education. Could they get that more from me then from the education system, maybe. But we'd all end up hating each other in the end. I respect the moms out there that want to home school. Not because they have to, but because they want to. I come from a family that dabbled in this a little so I've seen into that world. I also have family members that are homeschoolers. I'm not naive to the home school world as so many people are. It's sad, the crap that these families take for trying to educate and raise their kids from the safety of their own homes. Seriously, lighten up folks.

I'm just not that kind of mom. But it's more than that. I'm not that kind of woman. Does my kids happiness mean the world to me, of course. But, my happiness is important too, and there is nothing wrong with that. There are women/men designed  so as to enjoy this style of learning, I just happen to not be one of them. And I'm OK with that.

Geeeez

I'm sorry, but does it get any cuter than this?

Thoughts on Motherhood

I found this in an article linked to a friends FB page today. The article itself is great. But I highlighted and saved these few lines as a reminder for me and for any other mom that might need it. Enjoy:

*To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible... Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life. Your life is hard; your life will be hard. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.*

Here's the link to the whole article

"O.B" stands for "Oh Boy I'm glad I'm not prego's"

I sat in the waiting room at my OB's office today and looked around at the other patients. This is the first time I'd been back in a year, which.is.huge. It seems for the past 4 years almost, my Doc and I had become best friends considering how often I've been in her exam room. (This is due to the pregnancies/births of my two kids, for anyone that doesn't know me personally.)

But I sat there and looked around at all the pregos that were awaiting their checkups or ultrasounds and instead of thinking "Oh they all look so happy and cute", or "Oh, I remember how nice it was to be pregnant, I kind of miss that" my one and only thought was "Holy Smokes! Thank God I am only here for a checkup."

Bela Nuggets

I may start this as a regular segment. I do realize at somepoint it will have to become Bela/Ricky nuggets but for now we'll stick with the funnier of the two.

1. Recently C and I were cleaning out our storage in the basement. In a pile on the floor was the training potty that I had purchased for B. She had sat on it maybe twice before deciding she needed to use the regular toilet. So to the basement it went to await the day when R starts down that path... Anywho, B walks in and says "what's this?" I tell her it's the potty from when she first started learning to "go". She walked off with it even though I told her not to. Right, you know how that goes. Anways, some time passes and she runs in covered in smiles and pride and says "yay, mommy, I did it!" My confusion lead to disgust when I perplexedly followed her into the other room to find the potty full of potty. Ughh, gross.

2. Last week we were awoken with screams and cries that could only be the result of a nightmare coming from B's room. After waiting a few minutes and deciding that she probably needed me to go calm her down, I walked in and felt around for her, while trying to tell her to calm down. To my surprise my hands discovered a completely stark naked child. I'm not sure when, but at some point during the night she had undressed, completely, and stayed that way. Thank goodness she had that nightmare because otherwise I would have had to clean up wet sheets at 3 am due to her not wearing her diaper!

Grace

My brother blogged about this song. I can honestly say I've never paid attention to this artist and was for the most part unaware of his music. However, this song kills me. But in a totally good way.

http://mahndo.blogspot.com/2012/01/quick-thought-on-lupe-fiasco.html

I started crying while watching it. Yes, you heard me, crying. Not because of the beauty of the song, or the well done filmography, but because of what my heart suddenly felt. It's no secret that this world is a mess. Wars, famine, domestic abuse, drugs, etc. But it stays in the back of our minds for the most part. We, being North Americans, tend to live focused on ourselves, our image, our lives.  The news shows us scenes and stories of the atrocities but they lace it with pop culture news in order to dumb down the seriousness of the pain that exists outside our comfy computer screen. My mind knows this. My mind understands what poverty looks like, I've seen it. Both domestically and abroad. My mind understands violence and hate. This is not news to my mind. But my heart. My heart is naive. My heart is shattered because as sad as I am for those less fortunate, my selfishness has a way of pretending they don't exist.
This song, portrays that. It made this connection for me between my head and my heart. And that's why I cried.
The more I listened, the more I thought about Grace. I realize that I may have just lost some of you but stick with me. Christ came so that grace could be freely given. My mind, that recognizes sin exists, shelters my heart from acknowledging it. This is why Grace was given. This is why it is received. So that in my ignorance, in my blatant act of ignoring the realities that surround me, I can still be unconditionally loved. I still receive what I don't deserve. What none of us deserve. Sadly I am a product of my environment, as you all are. I'm sheltered because my whole like I've lived in middle class white suburbia. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's my world. By nature mine is an ignorant, close minded, selfish world. So as a product, and often a voluntary one, I need that Grace more than ever.
As much as I'd love to run away and make a difference, I can't. I have a life here that I love, that loves me. That needs me. But thankfully there are those fighting for peace, those speaking out about injustice and intolerance.
This seems incoherent, and I apologize. But it all comes down to this: I'm grateful for my life. But more importantly, I'm grateful for Grace. I'm grateful that this is not it. That this broken, crappy world, is not the end. It breaks me to tears to hear/see such violence and hate, but I hold onto the hope that hate will not always win, disparity will not always triumph, and pain will someday be gone. This is because of the Grace that is freely given and freely received.

thoughts

Over the past few weeks so much has popped into my head where I've thought, wow I should really blog about that. I don't have that many readers, I don't think, so blogging really is more for me and not about what you, the scarce reader, gets out of it. Forgive me if the next few entries are random, and unconnected. . . .