Power
A few nights ago #LatinLover and I were laying in
bed talking about parenthood. I made a comment about the difference between our
boy and our girl and how I'm quickly learning the difference between raising
them, relating to them and teaching them. #LatinLover seemed surprised that I
had such different explanations for each. We talked about it for awhile, then
fell asleep. The next day, Josh Duggar and his Ashley Madison Account appeared
in the news and the whole world was given yet another glimpse of one family's
trials, and pain and mistakes. I don't care about the Duggar family, really. I
don't care that they're famous or that they struggle. I'm not a fan of TLC or
reality television in general and I think my own life has enough excitement,
drama and challenge to fill my
cup.
What I am supportive are, are voices. Strong voices. Voices that stand up
to oppression and cruelty and injustice. Voices that, within their own culture
or religion, go against a stigma or belief or cultural expectation. Voices that
often stay quiet for years, feeling repressed, and then finally find the
courage to break out and cause waves because waves are what it's going to take
to bring change. I support voices that when all else are quiet, stand on a
street corner with signs, whether quiet or boisterous, showing the world that
their cause is important and deserving of attention. I support this
man that stood alone on a city street corner in St. Louis, MO holding a
sign reading "Stand up for Jamyla Bolden" last week, after she was
shot and killed by a drive-by through a bedroom window while doing her homework
on her mother's bed. When much of the "Black Lives Matter" movement
was protesting the police shooting of 18 yr old Mansur Ball-Bey, Shawn Williams, a stranger to the
Bolden family, was more concerned about the unjust murder of a 9yr girl. This
is a man I respect. This is a man whose voice spoke louder than anyone else's
that day.
As parents, we fight
daily to protect our kids. Usually our protection is superficial. We make sure
they're careful when crossing the street, playing with friends, and using scissors.
We try to raise them to be polite, respectful, careful of strangers and obedient.
But as I mentioned, I'm quickly learning the difference in raising my 6 yr old
girl and raising my 4yr old boy.
Being a young white
female in a society that, by nature, allows me privilege, I've never really
suffered oppression or needed to fight towards personal injustices. But as I
came into adult hood I started to see more and more the results of parents who
never taught their daughters the value of voice. It's not plastered on the news
often, but you hear about it. You see cultures built around chauvinism and
control. You hear about women whose partners are overbearing and
overprotective, or even worse, but just as common, abusive, emotionally and
physically. Both equally and permanently damaging.
My son must learn to
be respectful. To obey his parents, teachers and authority figures. He must
learn to be polite to women and how to be a strong communicator. He must learn
to work hard for his success. He must learn to be sensitive and at the same
time, confident. He must learn to stand up for the underdog and encourage his
fellow man in the face of pain and defeat. He must learn many things. Many of
which will come easier than others because he's being raised in a society that
favors his success, his power, his strength, his race and above all, his
gender.
My daughter is
different. Although my daughter must also learn to be obedient and respectful
and polite, her lessons will be unique. My daughter is being raised in a
society that although has come a long way in the past 50 years, still views and
treats her as a minority.
In the face of the
Duggars and their not so special lifestyle choices unfortunately being deemed
news worthy, it's brought to my attention even more than usual that I must
teach my daughter to find and confidently use her voice. She will learn how to
fight for what's important and just. She will learn to stand up for herself and
speak loudly when she's being treated unfairly. She will learn to search for a partner
that respects her, treats her equally and loves her unconditionally. She will
learn the worth and value of a promise, a vow. She will learn about commitment
and how to find stamina when that commitment is being challenge and tried.
However, what she
will also learn is what to do when, and if, enough is enough. Although
forgiveness and grace are two of the most vital attributes to a healthy,
intimate relationship, my daughter will be a woman that, when forgiveness and
grace aren't enough for her, can confidently walk away. Not as a failure but as
a person who knows her worth.
I can't protect her
from bad decisions. She will make them. She will hurt and often, I won't be
able to keep her heart from inevitable disappointment and pain. But my hope is
that I will be proud of her decisions when she looks into the face of a
betrayal and confidently proclaims -
"No, I will not continue to stand here and
be expected to suck it up and continue forward with someone that shows no signs
of changing!"
I hope and pray she
never has a need for that statement. I pray that she finds someone who fits
perfectly to her and compliments her personality completely. I hope that she
finds someone who has also been taught the importance and worth of vows and
promises.
But realistically, I know that shit happens.
People change. People make mistakes both in their life choices and their partner
choices.
My daughter will be empowered. My daughter will be strong.
My daughter will be boisterous in the midst of a community and faith and legal
system that tells her that her opinion, her needs and her pain is less
important because of the chromosomes she was born with.
